By Mary Kathleen Rose
In recent weeks, I attended memorials for three very good friends. All were colleagues in the healing arts professions, including massage and yoga. Two were older, and so their deaths were somewhat expected. One was significantly younger than I, and I had spent time with her regularly over the past year as she suffered from a very painful and aggressive form of cancer.
As a part of a normal lifespan, we experience the loss of people—whether family, friends, colleagues, or members of our community. We acknowledge the parts they have played in our lives, and we mourn their loss through personal communications and public memorials. But how do we respond to loss when it occurs as part of our professional massage practice? Have you experienced the death of a client in your practice? How did it affect you?
Acknowledge Your Vulnerability
Over the years of my massage practice, I have worked in a variety of medical settings, including hospitals, hospices, and home care. I practiced primarily Comfort Touch—the modality of touch I developed to be safe, appropriate, and effective for the elderly and the ill, no matter their stage of illness, pain, or functionality. I have been present and served as a witness to many people who were declining in health, living the last days of their lives.
While it is a privilege to be with clients and their families in the most challenging moments of their lives, I also have to acknowledge my own vulnerability in these times. It is humbling to know you can’t make the person “better” or “fix” their condition. It becomes clear that the intention is to comfort the individual as they live their final weeks, days, and moments in dignity and grace.
Physical and emotional self-care on a daily basis is essential for any massage therapist, but when death is involved, we can find it harder to cope. These are factors that can add to the challenge of self-care:
- First, I need to respect my professional boundaries as a massage therapist, providing support for the client and their family, not interfering in the primacy of their relationships.
- Second, I need to respect the thoughts and feelings that arise for me in these circumstances, even as I confront my own fears in the face of illness, disability, pain, death, and dying.
- Third, I need to acknowledge the specific loss of my client, especially when that client is also a friend.
Practice Self-Care
The way you take care of yourself and handle the everyday stresses and challenges of life becomes especially important when you are dealing with the added trauma of loss. As massage therapists, we already recognize the need for a healthy lifestyle and have coping skills we should be practicing on a regular basis. When dealing with loss, we need to pay particular attention to those self-care practices. These include rest and sleep, nutrition, adequate exercise, and talking with others who provide understanding and emotional support.
Other self-care practices that are helpful include: massage therapy, time in nature, meditation, music, reading, and journaling. Pets can be comforting. Bereavement support groups (widely offered by hospice organizations) can provide an appropriate place to share one’s experience and learn to understand and appreciate one’s own process of grieving.
Healthy coping skills used during times of bereavement and extraordinary stress can enhance the overall quality of your life. You may even find yourself calling forth strength and creativity you didn’t realize you had.
One of the lessons I am learning is to be content if I don’t always know what to do, or even how to feel. Taking a breath, and feeling myself grounded on this earth, I let go of my expectations, trusting that I can be present to offer the comfort and assurance of touch where it is wanted and needed. It is surprising sometimes, that the more I let go, the more I actually know what I need to do. Likewise, I can listen to my body, heart, and mind, trusting that I do know how to take care of myself in the process.
Losing someone you care about isn’t easy, but it is a part of life. We help ourselves, and honor others, by acknowledging what we are learning and how we are growing in compassion and wisdom.
The words of this song from the musical Wicked echo these sentiments.
“…People come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them
And we help them in return…”
Such beautiful and meaningful words. Let this wisdom guide you as you take care of yourself even as you care for others. The song concludes, “Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”
author bio
Mary Kathleen Rose is the author of Comfort Touch: Nurturing Acupressure for the Elderly, the Ill, & Anyone in Need of a Caring Touch, and Bereavement: Dealing with Grief & Loss. She can be reached at www.comforttouch.com.